每週犛牛：第一週課程版

新學年的第一周已經結束，我非常榮幸地繼續閱讀贏得了兩位忠實讀者尊敬的系列文章：《犛牛周刊》。

The first week of a new academic year is complete, and it is with the utmost honor that I continue the series that garnered the reverence of two loyal readers: The Weekly Yak. Whether you’re new to TU — in which case, welcome — or are trying to commit to your “New Year, New Me” outlook on the school year by reading something other than your enemies-to-lovers, self-insert fanfic with a character that you should really stop idolizing, there’s something here for everyone.

新學年的第一周已經結束，我非常榮幸地繼續閱讀贏得了兩位忠實讀者尊敬的系列文章：《犛牛周刊》。無論你是《TU》的新手——在這種情況下，歡迎——還是試圖通過閱讀從敵人到戀人、自我插入的同人小說之外的其他內容來致力於你的“新年，新我”對學年的展望。

If you are unfamiliar with The Weekly Yak, allow me to fill my word count quota by describing this creation fueled by my love for connection and storytelling, which are two sides of the coin called Hot Gossip. Every week I spend about 10 minutes writing an article bashing the school and others, oftentimes with words that aren’t even mine! Freshmen, definitely use my articles as ways to learn how to not plagiarize, and your professors will shake your hand… From between the bars of your jail cell. If you’re wondering how you too can join the community of slander, you can’t. You can only join Yik Yak once you send me $10, your social security number and your mother’s maiden name. I take Cash App.

如果您不熟悉《每週犛牛》，請允許我透過描述這個由我對聯繫和講故事的熱愛推動的創作來填補我的字數配額，這是硬幣的兩面，稱為「熱門八卦」。每週我都會花大約 10 分鐘寫一篇攻擊學校和其他人的文章，而且常常用的字甚至不是我的！新生，一定要使用我的文章作為學習如何不抄襲的方法，並且您的教授會在牢房的柵欄之間與您握手。如果你想知道如何才能加入誹謗社區，那你就不能。只有在向我發送 10 美元、您的社會安全號碼和您母親的婚前姓名後，您才能加入 Yik Yak。我使用現金應用程式。

To cut myself off there, I present the top 10 Yik Yak posts from the first week of classes. As always, we refrain from reusing posts that were posted in previous weeks and those in which graphics provide the majority of the context for the posts:

言歸正傳，我將介紹第一週課程中排名前 10 的 Yik Yak 貼文。像往常一樣，我們不會重複使用前幾週發布的帖子以及那些圖形提供帖子大部分背景的帖子：

“Can we all just make a universal pact that as long as they aren’t smelly, we just ignore the fact that everyone is sweating their balls off once they get to class” – Tulsa

「我們能不能達成一個普遍協議，只要它們不臭，我們就忽略這樣一個事實，即每個人一到課堂就汗流浹背」——塔爾薩

“Dear freshmen, Please remember the following: – shower – don’t seek out ways to cheat, seek ways to understand, a 50 is better than a 0. You will perform badly in a class. Happens to everyone – work with your peers this is your future networking system.” – Tulsa

「親愛的新生，請記住以下幾點： – 洗澡 – 不要尋找作弊的方法，尋找理解的方法，50 分比 0 好。你在課堂上會表現得很差。每個人都會遇到這樣的情況——與你的同事一起工作，這就是你未來的網路系統。 – 塔爾薩

“Is pike like the gay frat?” – Tulsa

“派克像同性戀兄弟會嗎？” – 塔爾薩

“The frats throwing frisbees at the activities fair is so pitch perfect” – Tulsa

「兄弟會在活動市集上丟飛盤真是太完美了」——塔爾薩

“GOOD MORNING ALL YOU ACADEMIC WEAPONS, WE MADE IT THRU THE FIRST WEEK (bicep emoji x3) TU WON LAST NIGHT (football emoji x2) (confetti popper emoji x2) THREE DAY WEEKEND. IT DONT MATTER WHERE WE ARE ALL AT, AS LONG AS WE’RE DOING OUR BEST!!! BE BOLD THIS WEEKEND, TALK YO THAT PERSON YOUR CRUSHING ON” – ifarded

「早安，各位學術武器，我們度過了第一周（二頭肌表情符號 x3）昨晚贏得了（足球表情符號 x2）（五彩紙屑波普爾表情符號 x2）三天週末。只要我們盡力而為，我們在哪裡並不重要！這個週末大膽一點，和你暗戀的人談談」—ifarded

“For a second I got scared Pike was gonna leave out their gym highlights for this years rush video (fearful emoji) thank god they added it towards the end” – Tulsa

「有一瞬間，我害怕派克會在今年的高峰影片中省略他們的健身房亮點（可怕的表情符號）感謝上帝，他們在最後添加了它」 - 塔爾薩

“Can everyone text Braddy daddy to cancel Thursday night classes this week so that everyone can attend the first game? Pls and thx” – Tulsa

「大家可以傳簡訊給布拉迪爸爸取消這週週四晚上的課程，這樣大家就可以參加第一場比賽了嗎？請謝謝」—塔爾薩

“I wish everyone a good first day for tomorrow’s classes” – Tulsa

「我祝福大家在明天的課程中度過美好的第一天」 – 塔爾薩

“Pro tip: if you can, try to be born into generational wealth” – Tulsa

「專業提示：如果可以的話，試著出生在世代財富」—塔爾薩

“Let’s get all the frat guys together and see who can resist making out with each other first” – Tulsa

「讓我們把所有的兄弟會成員聚集在一起，看看誰能忍住先親熱」——塔爾薩

Since I’m feeling very optimistic about the onset of the semester so far (or maybe it’s the caffeine overdose I’m pushing) I’ll also be sharing my personal favorites from the week. It’s a good time to start farming Yakarma for almost no social benefit except being banned from all frat parties, because the only thing they know besides how to make ice sink in drinks is that Yik Yak is a breeding ground for frat-boy defamation.

由於到目前為止我對新學期的開始感到非常樂觀（或者可能是我過量服用咖啡因），我還將分享本週我個人最喜歡的東西。現在是開始種植Yakarma 的好時機，除了被禁止參加所有兄弟會聚會之外，幾乎沒有任何社會利益，因為除瞭如何在飲料中製作冰塊之外，他們唯一知道的是Yik Yak 是兄弟會男孩誹謗的滋生地。

“I get the most upvotes anytime that I spread misinformation. Expect some more soon.” – Tulsa

「每當我傳播錯誤訊息時，我都會得到最多的支持。期待很快會有更多。 – 塔爾薩

“Born to crash out. Forced to be a civilized human being.” – Tulsa

「生來就是為了崩潰。被迫成為一個文明人。 – 塔爾薩

“When you realize that someone has found your top secret go-to bathroom on campus” – Tulsa

「當你意識到有人在校園裡找到了你的絕密去洗手間時」——塔爾薩

“Why chic filla screaming out orders instead of names. I dont need everyone to know my back is big (exasperated moaning emoji)” – Tulsa

「為什麼時髦的菲拉尖叫著命令而不是名字。我不需要每個人都知道我的背很大（憤怒的呻吟表情）」—塔爾薩

“If I randomly start failing mid semester it’s because of the long term exposure to mold (smug cat emoji)” – Tulsa

「如果我在學期中期隨機開始失敗，那是因為長期接觸黴菌（自鳴得意的貓表情符號）」 – 塔爾薩

Do you want your Yaks to be featured next week on The Collegian? Be funny. Make Hannah laugh. That rarely happens. Free Palestine.

您希望您的犛牛下週出現在《The Collegian》節目中嗎？有趣一點。讓漢娜笑起來。這種情況很少發生。自由的巴勒斯坦。