Ubisoft Have Released A NFT Upchuck Masquerading As A Game And It Is Very Bad

The greatest artistic movement since The Big BSoD, the greatest proof of the power of the blockchain, the very future of the whole funging Infobahn

Ubisoft has finally released its much-anticipated Web3 game, and as you might expect, it's a roiling puke reservoir of NFT upchuck masquerading as a game. The game, which is called Champions Tactics: Grimoria Chronicles, can only be played via its own website.

Now, before you click on that link and subject yourself to the horrors that await, let me just say that I respect the colour green a lot. And by a lot, I mean that I don't want to see it turn into a sickly shade of puke-yellow, which is exactly what will happen if you visit that website. So please, for the love of all that is holy andチャート, do not click on that link.

Instead, let's just focus on the IGN piece covering the game, shall we? It has some very good context and is worth reading if you're interested in learning more about this whole debacle.

According to IGN, Ubisoft first announced its plans to stick its head in the NFToilet bowl and daintily sample the yellowing side-cruft around three years ago during an earnings call. During the call, the company used words like 'revolution' and 'pay-to-earn', which they latched on to with glee.

"[Blockchain] will imply more play-to-earn that will enable more players to actually earn content, own content, and we think it's going to grow the industry quite a lot," said Yves Guillemot, director of subscriptions, at the time.

Contrast this with statements made by Tremblay to GI.biz earlier this year, where he said that a consumer shift "needs to happen" re: "Gamers are used to owning their games".

Now, I know what you're thinking: surely blockchain and subscription-based access are different kettles of fish, right? And while that may be true, it does feel inconsistent, doesn't it? It's almost like they'll just say anything to get what they want! Why even use words anymore? Why not just chortle and snort? You know you want to!

Anyway, moving on. If you slept through or somehow mercifully forgot about the crypto craze of the last few years, you might be wondering why a game that lets you buy items as NFTs is a problem. Well, let me tell you, there are a few reasons.

First up, there's the obvious pay-to-win element attendant on letting people cough up to forge more powerful characters - something that irks me less because of the holy sanctity of competitive game balance (although that's enough to put me off playing), and more because these things are designed to play off the same vulnerabilities as gambling.

According to IGN, the highest priced figurines - the characters you use to battle - are up on the marketplace at $63k. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean people are paying this much, mind, and those are outliers - most bits are a mere $300. Either way, it seems antithetical to anything actually interesting or valuable about game design. Why inspire organic investment when you can just invite players to join in a ghoulish sunk-cost spiral?

Secondly, the web3 industry have thus far failed to make a convincing case that this stuff isn’t a complete emissions disaster. According to one study, Bitcoin alone uses the same amount of electricity each year as Argentina. For balance, I should point out that blockchain advocates argue that the technology can aid sustainability via “more accurate load monitoring, generation, and distribution in the grid through efficient use of data,” via Forbes.

Finally, it's also hard to see the release of Champions Tactics right now as anything but an act of desperation from a Ubisoft evidently feeling financial pressure, or at least trying to get those numbers up before a potential buyout.

I'll leave you with more words of wisdom from RPS’s dearly departed scryer of crud:

"A crack revealing strata of vape pens, LaserDiscs, and bags for life. All of it, trash. The melted bumper of the weed-green Tesla Model X once owned by... she couldn't even say his name. Everything, trash. Two empty bottles of Irn-Bru Kombucha rising like the legs of Ozymandias. 5arah snorted. Look on my apes, ye Mighty, and despair!"